(Sigh.) Well, my name is Tiffany. Tiffany Golden. Of course, that’s my stage name, and I’m not quite ready to tell you my real name.
I dance most every day here at the Lovely Lady, in good ol’ Raindale, New Mexico. Yeah, lucky me. I thought you’d be impressed. I’m not much of a dancer, but with all of this platinum blonde hair and the seven thousand dollars’ worth of surgical enhancements… well, let’s just say I can turn a head or two.
I wound up here in nowhere-ville, New Mexico after fleeing a pretty bad scene in L.A. I got myself cleaned up pretty good, and life is…adequate. Probably the most exciting part about dancing here at The Lady is this one customer--Nelson Troutman. Yeah, he’s a bit of a weirdo, but he seems to be in love with me or something. All the other girls are freaked out by him. He’s like a crazy genius with money falling out of his pockets, and he’s always yammering about the nature of energy…how we don’t really understand it.
What is your role in the story?
The story? What story? You mean, life? Well, I’ll tell you what my role has recently become. Since I introduced myself in the last paragraph, Nelson has invented some crazy sci-fi flying contraption. It seems like it can fly forever, and it has the power to vaporize whoever or whatever Nelson feels like.
So I guess my role is to try to keep Nelson from going completely overboard. You know. To use his power for good, and not evil. I guess I’m also Nelson’s…what? Media consultant? Spokesmodel? It’s been a pretty weird Christmas, I’ll tell you that much.
What is your favorite hobby?
Hobby? Who the hell has time for that kind of thing? I dance, I drink bourbon, I go shoe shopping…
I guess the one thing in this world I always wanted to do is acting. I did some musical theater in high school, and I really, really wanted to be an actress. Yeah. Shocking, I know. Me and nine million other blonde bimbos with gorgeous assets.
If you could make one wish, what would you wish for?
If you asked me that question before Christmas, I guess it would have been all about me. I’d wish I could quit drinking so much, get my act together, reconcile with my siblings and father, and get a real job. Oh, wait. Was that four wishes?
Now that Nelson has invented this crazy flying death ray, my only wish is that I could somehow talk some sense into him. He clearly has some kind of mental issue, and I’m really, really scared. Nelson is at war with the entire world, and somehow, I’ve been pulled into this madness.
What challenges are you trying to overcome?
Financial distress. Alcohol abuse. Self-loathing. Mediocre exotic dancing.
Oh, and a dysfunctional mad scientist who is trying to eliminate everyone he doesn’t like with a terrifying death ray. I’m trying to overcome that challenge, now that you mention it, and it’s a pretty big challenge.
Thanks for talking to me. They’re announcing me, I’d better get back on stage now. Maybe you can buy me a drink later.
Xx Tiffany xX
Title: My Name is Nelson
Author: Dylan Fairchild
President Andrew MacIntyre was having a pretty good first year in the Oval Office. Suddenly, during what should have been a peaceful Christmas season, he’s facing one of the worst national security crises in American history. And it’s being masterminded out of a sleazy, New Mexico strip joint? What the hell?
Is this a political thriller? Or is it science fiction? A zany comedy? Perhaps it’s a love story. Whatever it is, it’s a riveting page-turner with a little sex appeal, and a lot of laughs. If “Doctor Strangelove” can find the humor in nuclear war, then surely there’s a little bit of laughter lurking in unmanned aviation, as well as some serious, heartfelt moments.
It’s little wonder White House National Security Advisor Chet Addington* said this was, “Pretty much the best novel ever.”**
* Absolutely, positively, not a real person
** He’s been known to be wrong about stuff
Dylan Fairchild is the pen name of a Virginia-based indie author. He usually lurks in a different genre.
“My Name is Nelson” is the author’s first thriller. It’s a genre-busting blend of humor, action, political-military intrigue, romance, and science fiction. “The Indie View” awarded it “five-plus” stars and said “in terms of sheer storytelling mastery, it’s one of the best books we’ve seen in a while.” The book is dedicated to “all the men and women who work so tirelessly to protect our nation.”
The author can be found on Goodreads.com, and he is happy to reply to any questions, comments, or witty ridicule of his photo.
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