What about us? We’d lost our kids four months earlier and we had been generous enough to lend money to Rick’s sister and to give Kris a couch. We were the ones who needed to heal and for Ginny to assume that everything was fine and dandy for us after four months and one weekend workshop was ludicrous and insulting. She was a professional counselor. We were paying her to help me and all she was doing was making me feel worse.
My head was bursting when I told Rick, “I can’t stop the voices in my head. I keep hearing your sisters and Ginny telling me what we’re doing wrong and how we’re supposed to help them. But how can I help anybody else when I can't even help myself? We try to do good, it’s our money and we’re trying to help and now, we’re the bad ones. All these voices are in my head, they're really loud, and I can't make them stop. What am I supposed to do?”
I felt like I was going insane. My children were dead, I was still replaying the accident over and over, and the voices in my head wouldn't stop fighting with each other. I was on a roller coaster of emotions, people were chattering in my brain, and I couldn’t stop them. I simply couldn't control my mind. I was fighting with God and all I could think about was wanting to die and be with my children. I wanted to leave this earth where the people who were supposed to help me were hurting me. It was much too painful. But how would I do it?
I turned to Rick and said, “I can't stop the voices in my head and I want to die. I'm going to go for a long walk into a snow bank and freeze to death. I just can't do this any more.” I looked down at my wrists. “I don’t know how people slit their wrists. They call it being weak but I think it’s strong. I can't go on. There’s no ‘off’ switch. God should have given me a little toggle switch but I don't have one.”
Rick exhaled deeply and was silent for a while. Finally he said, “Beth, If that’s what you have to do, if you need to leave this earth, I can’t stop you. I don’t really have that right. I don't want you to do it. We already lost the rest of our family. You and I are all that’s left and we're about to have a new baby. But if you can't be happy and that’s what you have to do, I would understand.”
I looked at Rick. He really thought I might do it and in essence, he was giving me permission. But when I got home, I got out of the car and thought about the snow. I could take off walking right now, find a deep snow bank, bury myself in it and freeze to death –– but I had to go to the bathroom and I hated the cold. I went into the house, went to the bathroom and picked up the phone to call my mother. I wanted her permission to take my life but of course, she wouldn't give it to me.
Title: We Never Left You
Authors: Beth and Rick Olsen
Genre: Non-Fiction / Memoir / Inspirational
After unspeakable tragedy, one couple must forge their own path to healing in the bittersweet true story, We Never Left You.
One moment, Beth and Rick Olsen were enjoying an ordinary life filled with all the joys and frustrations of raising their two children, Jessica and Joshua. The next moment, a drunk driver plowed through a red light at eighty miles per hour, hitting their van and changing everything.
The death of both their children launched Beth and Rick down a long and winding path toward simple survival—and eventual healing. As shock gave way to the cruel reality of their loss, they began receiving messages that proved the existence of life after death—a welcome sign that aided them in moving forward.
The Olsens soon attempted traditional healing methods but quickly found that counseling did nothing to help them get a grasp on their monumental loss. They then turned to nontraditional approaches—a decision that led them to Peru. It was there they finally began to undergo the immense physical, mental, and emotional changes that allowed them to understand everything—including the accident—happens for a reason.
Beth and Rick Olsen
Happily married since 1987, Rick and Beth Olsen survived the death of their two children from a drunk driver in 1999. Now, in 2015, they have written their first book about their experiences in an attempt to help other people undergoing the same kind of tragedy. Beth and Rick live in Glenbeulah, Wisconsin with their three children.
Andrea Cagan has been writing, ghost writing, collaborating and editing for over two decades, with more than a dozen books appearing on the best seller lists, including four #1 NY Times and LA Times best sellers. She focuses on topics of social value, and has worked with such celebrities as Magic Johnson, Marianne Williamson, Grace Slick and many more.
Book website www.weneverleftyou.com